When Christians Go No Contact
There’s this philosophical argument for the validity of Christianity that goes like this: If Christianity is true, it means everything; if its false it means nothing.
The concept behind this thought process is a weighing out of what matters, of judging the importance of an issue or behavior. If Christianity is true, it matters more than any other belief I could have. If its not true, then Christianity has zero weight or meaning and I can completely disregard it.
What if we applied this reasoning to other beliefs or convictions we might hold?
I write a lot about mental illness, mental health, and healing on this blog. I write about boundaries and wrestling with forgiveness and going no contact, even if that means going no contact with family...with people you love but can’t be around because of how they treat you.
There is one question I didn’t ask myself for a while...What if my choice to go no contact is wrong? What does it cost me?
The initial choice to go no contact was never something I wrestled with. Not even once. I felt confident God was calling me to step away from certain relationships in my life. Almost more confident than any other choice I’ve made in my life. Maybe it is doubt. Maybe it is the desire to make sure I’m being obedient...
Whether it’s right or wrong, there is a consequence to my choice...and that consequence is lost time. Time. One of the most precious gifts we are given earth-side, and we only get a bit of it.
If I’m wrong, and I made a bad choice three years ago, what that choice has cost me is time with people I love. It’s cost me relationship. Memories.
But, if I made a good choice, dare I even say, a wise choice...then it’s fair to ask myself what I’ve gained and what I’ve lost for the better.
I don’t think it should ever be easy to choose to walk away from someone you love, even if it is absolutely the best choice you could make. When it’s hard it means you love them, it means you still grieve the broken relationship. It means your heart isn’t hard. And yes, that might look vastly different for different people.
If I made the “right” choice, then what I gained is freedom. I gained peace. I gained healing from PTSD. I gained confidence. I gained creativity and I gained a deeper understanding of what it means to refuse to allow someone to continually sin against you.
Sometimes what we gain after loss could only have been reached that way. Sometimes, in order to heal from brokenness you have to step away from what was breaking you in the first place.
It’s easy to see other people’s problems. Looking at your own is kind of like looking in the mirror after a hot shower. But if you’re willing and wise enough to stand there and wait for your reflection to grow clearer, you’ll see it.
God has a way of revealing our need for surrender when we stand still and let him reveal our brokenness. The places where we weren’t obeying him.
Consider this: Jesus commanded his disciples to shake the dust off their feet from towns where they weren’t welcome. So, why do we continuously put ourselves into abusive, unhealthy, dishonoring situations with people who refuse to treat us with commonly decency and respect? Do you realize that abuse is sin? And allowing it is enabling?
Now...I do believe there is A LOT of grace here. Sometimes, we don’t even know we’re living in an abusive relationship because it’s so normal to us. While these relationships still hurt the heart of God, I don’t believe God expects us to understand something we haven’t...understood yet. Very much like the woman at the well...who didn’t realize yet that she needed forgiveness and redemption until Jesus gently showed her his intent for her life and her need for a Savior.
Do you have a difficult/toxic/abusive/stressful/draining relationship in your life? I’d say there’s a high possibility you do.
Does this relationship cause fear/panic/nightmares/extreme stress/exhaustion/breakouts/rashes/lost sleep/binge eating/no eating/risky sexual behavior/erratic behavior/panic/panic attacks/blackouts/cold sweats or ANY extreme PHYSIOLOGICAL or EMOTIONAL responses?
I’m not talking about your brother who annoys you. Or your friend that has vastly different political views from you. Or your boss who is boring and no fun.
I’m talking about people who ABUSE you and USE you and make you wish you were DEAD. I’m talking about people who don’t respect you or think you have any value.
If you are having physiological responses to abusive people in your life, it’s time to consider stronger boundaries.
Maybe that means they aren’t allowed to text or email you. Maybe it means you block them on social media. Maybe it means you confront them head on. And maybe it means you choose to no longer be around that person.
It isn’t a sin to refuse to be abused any longer.
It isn’t a sin to decide you can no longer make excuses for people you love to treat you like you’re worthless.
Wherever you are at, you are not alone. You have a Heavenly Father who loves you and who will walk with you through every hurt that needs to be healed.